Difficult choices

Before I get into this post I want to preface this by saying that if you have a child whether they have special needs, behavioral problems or atypical, no parent is perfect no one has all the answers and as much as I have come across a fair amount of parental practices and ways that I would personally not implement with my own children, every family, every parent and child dynamic and relationship is different and no one can tell you that your decisions or choices are wrong just because they aren’t the same as they would have done (this goes without saying but this obviously excludes any behavior that could be or would be constituted as abusive or neglectful).

We have struggled over the years to find the help we needed, I remember with great irony how one person told me that they had screwed us over to put it mildly because they felt that this would push the situation to gain the help we needed, it didn’t and hasn’t (no surprise there), there just aren’t resources or facilities that are able to cope, properly manage and treat Loghan’s case to the point where a group of almost if not more than 30 of the best doctors within the psychiatric and linked fields could not provide us with a solution or treatment plan they felt could work.

With Loghan there are periods of calm, periods of joy, times where you almost forget that he is as some would put it different, to be fair we have raised him and therefore his traits and behaviors are our normal. Like so many other families with special needs children we have learned to read behaviors and silent languages, to pre-empt melt downs and to handle social situations in a way that not all parents or people will understand.

I have apologised to many a person, friend, neighbor, teacher, classmate and/ or family member and often times I feel that without explanation people may feel or think things that just aren’t true, as Loghan has gotten older his meltdowns when confronted about certain behaviors have become more physical and violent, I have spoken to other parents in the same situation and unless you are in the situation or have first-hand witnessed or been through it with your own child, friend or loved one I cannot begin to explain the fear and anxiety that I have as my child heads towards adulthood, these situations/incidents do not happen often but when they do they are incredibly hard to manage and the solution from all involved including his doctors and social worker has been to recommend that we call the police.

Up until recently this is a solution I have absolutely refused as I have had enough of an experience with government institutions and such that the thought of putting my child and our family into a situation that the police officer may not fully and probably will not be able to understand is incredibly daunting, the thought of phoning the police on my own child is also something that has scared me beyond any level.

However that changed this weekend when my son became violent and my husband did end up calling the police to request assistance, by the time they arrived the situation had calmed down but the officers who were sent were great and they handled the situation very well, speaking to my son before they left and explaining the consequences of his behavior and future implications should they need to return for the same issue, they checked whether we had a social worker and whether my son was receiving treatment after we stated that he did have both mental health and behavioral disorders, they went beyond the scope of the faith that I had instilled in them and I am incredibly grateful for their assistance even if the situation had died down when they arrived, I do believe that they have by being a physical presence given my son a visual representation of the consequences of his actions, one that he now understands and that by us taking this step he has realised that we are not going to accept his behavior and any sort of physical assault against any persons that he comes into contact with.

I am sharing this because I do feel that as parents this is a step that will be frowned upon by many people or that may be seen as over the top or misunderstood, I do not regret my husband’s decision to call them and if I had to relive this situation I do not believe that it could have played out any differently.

As a parent I have physically, mentally and emotionally reached a point where I cannot rely on whether other parents think that a decision we have made is right or not, we can only do what we feel is best at the time given the situation at hand, I urge you if you are a parent struggling with the judgement of others it isn’t about them it is about you and your child and your family and only you can make that call and choices, to gain another’s wisdom/ experience and opinion is great when it is someone’s whose thoughts and opinions you value or when those suggestions or thoughts some from professionals but at the end of the day I do feel that as parents we fear the judgement of others and that we need to reach the understanding that at the end of the day unless someone is walking in your shoes they do not know.

I do not know what lies ahead but I know that we will fight and carry on until we find a treatment plan, until we gain ground and progress as hard as it may be.

Where to go from here...

 

There are plenty of books to read but very few people (if any) will tell you that raising a teenager is a walk in the park, well raising a special needs teen comes with its own list of new behaviors and often turbulent behavior; the hormones and changes combined with a lack of self-realisation and lack of social skills can be incredibly trying and difficult to understand and handle.

If you ask my own mother she would be quick to tell you that I was more than a handful during my teen years; I bunked almost a full school year, I smoke and drank among other things from the age of 15, it was only many years later just before my 30^th birthday actually that my mom and I got into an argument and after telling me what a terrible child I was during these years I got up the courage to finally tell her why i.e. I fell pregnant at the age of 15 and miscarried at the end of my first trimester on my own and couldn’t or didn’t feel like I could tell anyone, I was depressed, I self-harmed in other words there were reasons behind my behaviors, never the less I agree I was an incredibly difficult child at that stage.

So when it comes to my own children I honestly believed that I would be ok, I knew all the tricks, I had gone through my own shit so I had this in the bag; bring it on….

Then good ol Murphy, oh he loves me I have to tell you, he loves to give me a swift kick up the patootie whenever I get smug about motherhood in any shape or form and thus of course my own experience so far with my now 13 year old has run me for a 6 and back again 10 times over.

It has been a tough year all around but the most trying part of this year has been dealing with my eldest and my husband’s relationship and the fact that it has all but gone up in a flaming rage of teenage angst and Afrikaans stubbornness- neither will budge, neither wants to know how the other one feels or their reasoning’s behind each other’s behaviors they just cannot deal with each other right now, this is incredibly difficult; as a mother my child comes first and as a wife I want to stand with my husband. 

I understand that Loghan’s behavior and overall attitude many a time can come across as disrespectful and rude- I would say that 70% of the time it isn’t intentional but that other 30% is a rather large portion and it has driven a wedge into our home life that has become incredibly difficult to deal with, this combined with the fact that he is taller and as large or larger than both my hubby and myself means that if he says no or just refuses to do something, trying to force it leads to physical fighting, in a household with 2 other children this can be terrifying and heart-breaking and more than once it has pushed my hubby and I to the point of considered separation because we just don’t know what to do and the specialists don’t either.

There just aren’t any resources available, no places to turn to, it has been an incredibly trying and difficult time for our family and I have found more than a few other families who in some shape or form are going through the same thing.

I guess that it is just beyond my comprehension after all these years and all of the different special needs kids and families that I have met that the mental and special needs resources/ programs and specialists are so expensive, hard to come by, few and far between or incredibly inadequate for the scope of special needs families/ children and people that need help and answers; I have file upon file of research, I have file upon file of reports and recommendations, lists of different therapies and medications we have tried and people we have gone to and at the end of it all not one of these people can give us an answer or provide us with a way forward or a solution and that is incredibly scary especially when you think of the many other people and families are out there in need of help.

I wish I had the answers for all the research and time exhausted I feel like I have nothing and have gotten nowhere, every 2 steps forward can be 10 steps back next week and it can be easy as an outsider to say well it is just one person but at the end of the day it isn’t; the targeted anger has shifted over the years.  That aside when your child is home-schooled (not by choice) and doesn’t have friends and cannot go out into the world to socialise with kids his own age showing anger towards one person in this way is enough!

In 5 years’ time my son will be 18 and I can no longer keep him at home- I cannot make sure that he doesn’t hurt someone or doesn’t get hurt because he doesn’t understand or does something stupid or ensure that he doesn’t get fired for being purposely or even un purposefully rude or inappropriate towards a boss or co-worker or anyone for that matter.

 

At the end of the day I sometimes sit down and ask myself why I am I doing any of this at all if it doesn’t help, if it isn’t getting us anywhere or changing anything and if at the end of the day all we get told is we don’t know or call the police, if we did try explaining to an officer why they are there and that you had to physically restrain a 13 year old, we have doctors and social workers, an entire team but will any of them be there when we need to explain this and with our other children at home what guarantee do I have to that the officer wont misconstrue what has happened and arrest us as parents or remove my other children because they don’t understand, I mean what do you do when your child pulls a cupboard door off its hinges or pushes you into a wall, when they are at risk of hurting themselves and/or those around them- these are the thoughts I am faced with each and every time we have a meltdown or a behavioral issue.

I do not believe in physical punishment for a child I have hardly ever in my journey as a mother raised my hands to even give my kiddos a hiding on the bum or hand, I can raise my voice or reprimand and I have smacked a wooden spoon on the counter on my worst day but I do not believe that physical discipline does anything more than cause your child to fear you and I do not believe that our children should fear us as their parents/ caregivers. My kids may think I am unfair and may not like me at times when I remove technology and privileges such as tv and computer time or if they get sent to their rooms to cool down but I can live with that what I struggle with is trying to keep my family from falling apart because there are no answers for how to handle the situations we are dealing with in a helpful way.

I am honestly just not sure where to go to from here or where we will be in a month or 6, just have to keep on searching and trying I guess.

It is NOT ok- Updates and rant!

I was going to start this post last night but I was just so incredibly exasperated that I just couldn’t see myself through a coherent and non-rage filled rant of a post so here we are today a little more calm and mildly less aggravated than I was last night.

First off to start on a good note my younger 2 started school last week and have settled in beautifully, my youngest started grade 1 and to see him blossom and just vibrate with enthusiasm this past week has been an incredibly wonderful thing to behold, I know that we made the right decision by choosing to put our youngest into a tutor centre instead of a public school, his class and the school itself is not too big and not too small and the environment is so incredibly supportive and welcoming I cannot wait to see him and my other son grow this year.

Now onto the not so great part of my post and of course this pertains to my eldest son, so of course my son was supposed to still be at the treatment centre until the end of this month and if you have read my previous post you will know that we had to get an emergency order to have removed from the centre due to negligence and assault and I did officially receive a letter from the department of social development stating that a formal investigation is underway and we have of course also reported a case to the police and this is also underway.

In the interim our social work has been instructed to find a new and decent placement because apparently there are plenty of those the information is just not freely available… I remain sceptical but in the meantime we are supposed to be navigating through his grade 7 year and I have been struggling with the department for 6 months trying in vain to find a solution because private schooling is not an option and as much as I am an advocate for home-schooling in the right circumstances we just cannot give enough time and care with both households working and other children who also need and deserve attention, it also lacks the social interaction needed to help our son through his issues, schooling with a facilitator which is what we were hoping for; it lended itself to controlled socialisation as well as an education.

It got to the point where our psychologist actually got into the car and drove out to the department himself this week because he could not get through to anyone, he had a meeting there and then called me to tell me about it, he also told me that they were not enthusiastic about our case and they were not willing to look at a schooling option even with a facilitator which quite honestly made my blood boil, I then received an email last night confirming a meeting time and that the meeting would be to discuss home-schooling.

I am sorry but what about both households working and it not being a viable option for me to leave my 12 year old Aspergers among other things son at home alone to navigate his own education do you not understand.

I am just so beyond my level of acceptance at this point, I have always been the mom who says its ok, the mom who would rather remove my child from the situation, the mom who has gone through every therapy both medical and alternative, every diet, who has followed the whim and instruction of every school, doctor and specialist I am just beyond pissed that there are children whose parents to be frank couldn’t give a flying hoot and children who couldn’t care less who are younger than my son who are drinking, smoking, having sex etc and they can be in school but not my son nope nada nope home-schooling is your only option it honestly just feels like they are saying well he has 3 more years to go until he is no longer our problem and schooling is no longer a legal requirement so you can just fuck off until then please and thank you.

This year I started off with a mind to change my mind set to look forward and stay positive I also set my mind to change the way I deal with things and to stop just saying its ok I understand to everything because that is what I do its ok I understand I will find something else, do something else every single time and I cannot anymore’, why should I, why should we?

If we had gotten the help and support we needed years ago we would most likely not be dealing with all of this but here we sit with nothing but apologies and excuses and I am quite frankly done and tired.

I responded with my concerns stating that if home-schooling is their own option that I hope they are ready with viable solutions to navigate the issues that I have brought forward and to be honest if they don’t or won’t help us in this regard I am going to take it further from a legal stand point and if I have to tell our story to all and sundry to get the help and attention we need then so be it but I am done with the lack of resources and support and I know it is not just our family, I am not going to stay quiet anymore…

2020

I classify as 2019 as a real shit show of a year, one I was more than happy to leave behind.

To have the hope that we were finally receiving the attention and help that we needed was an incredible feeling only to have that ripped away which was incredibly devastating.

The only upside of the situation was that we all got to spend Xmas together as a family, not having Loghan there was something I was really struggling with even more so as time when on and I was struggling to get through to the centre where he was and he was starting to verbalize his fears, I had nightmares of arriving at the centre and finding him gone or receiving a phone call that something terrible had happened or that he had done something to himself in order to get out and at the end of it all at that stage our hands were tied we were told when we went to court that procuring a court order meant that he was there until the end of the program full stop and that only another court order could have him released, given that it was December and all the social workers etc had gone on leave I was quite honestly sick with horror.

The day that we went to fetch him - court order in hand my heart fell to pieces when one of my younger sons asked why they needed to be dropped off at a colleague of mine, when I told him that we were going to fetch his brother and why (he had already witnessed how he looked during our visit 2 days prior), his remark shook me to the core when he said; well why did you put him there then?

Why? We trusted the people who ran the centre and the people who put him there we believed that we were finally getting help and that we were doing what was best for our son, we believed them when they said no cameras were allowed for the safety of the children and on and on it goes. As a parent we are supposed to protect our children and to feel that you were not able to and that you willingly sent your child into the situation that saw him hurt is just shattering.

But here we sit in 2020, a new year, a new decade so where to from here?

They have opened an investigation into the treatment my son and other children are enduring/ have endured at the centre and into the practices themselves, we have also lodged a case on a personal level against the centre; I spent the days leading up to Xmas in and out between the police station and Red Cross, my son had to have another HIV test done as well as a full body examination which isn’t exactly the nicest thing for anyone to endure.

We have been advised not to start home-schooling in the interim of looking at schooling options as we are once again on the waiting list for a facility although this time you can count on me doing a full run around and investigation before we get there, I don’t care who I need to deal with or where I need to find the information but I will.

At this point in time all of the social workers and most of the departments are still closed so we can do nothing but wait which is incredibly frustrating, this is supposed to be our sons senior year of primary school and we are not sure whether he is going to end up schooling at all this year which is fine if we are actually going to get the help but to sit and wait and not be sure and to be forced to place my son into the care of someone I don’t want to during the day so he will at least have someone watching him.

All I want for this year is my youngest to enjoy his first year of school with his older brother by his side and to get the help we need for my eldest so that we can start moving forward, put plans in place, start working on a management plan and start healing as a family.

I think I am over the anger, I was at one point feeling just so extremely angry and despondent; I think aside from the above the anger stemmed from all of the apologies from professionals, doctors etc- we are sorry the system failed you, we are sorry this has happened… I believe them I do but it does often feel like it’s a pass the buck it wasn’t my fault moment which probably isn’t fair but feels are feels right, we cannot help the way we feel and we are only human- it is what we do with that anger that counts.

Dealing with my anger means ensuring that the centre where Loghan was staying is investigated and that proper people and processes are put in place to ensure that the children there are kept safe and that they actually get help and that their best interests are what is taken to heart.

Dealing with my anger means launching a case that will not only see to it that the people who are responsible for those children and were responsible for my son are held accountable but will bring awareness to the fact that we are not the only family and this is not the only centre, the mental health system and the facilities and resources available are few and far between and grossly sub-par, children are being left behind, families are being torn apart and I refuse to accept this.

Dealing with my anger means being my sons advocate and making sure that this year we get the help we need.

There are so many days where I just feel like a sick joke but I cannot and will not give up.

Did we make a mistake?

I knew when we accepted placement at the program that Loghan has gone into that it was going to be rough, I knew that the children being accepted into this program came from all walks of life, different dynamics some with families and some without, different cultures etc, I knew all of that but going in we were told that the kids would be well supervised and well looked after and that a strict behavioral regime was followed at all times.

I have spoken to Loghan every second day since he was admitted, the day he was admitted was bad Loghan was angry, he wanted out and there was absolutely nothing we could do even if we wanted to, 2 days later I was surprised to find that he sounded much more comfortable a lot more optimistic, 2 days after that he sounded both despondent and scared; I encouraged him, consoled him and got off the phone with an incredibly heavy heart. I told myself that it would be ok that we needed to see this through, it’s not like we have a choice anyway but 2 days after that ie Tuesday of this week after an hour of trying to get through which a regular occurrence the child that took my call i.e. my son was despondent, teary and absolutely miserable after some reluctant prying he told me what has been going on…. I ended up scrambling to find out who he internal social worker is… they are on leave until January and then calling the manager of the group who is not answering my emails or phone calls.

I am frustrated, I am anxious and I am honestly sitting her wondering if we actually made the right decision or if my child is going to come out of this program worse off than he went in.

It has been a while since I last posted, a lot has happened…

My son was finally accepted into a program, it took a lot of nagging, a lot of following up and running after people, a lot of pushing our family to breaking point but we finally got the email last week and then we had to attend court on Friday because a government program requires a court order for placement.

We sat at the children’s court and in town for hours on Friday so as not to be late for our appointment only to go into the magistrates chambers and have him go through the 2 page summary of what we are dealing with which doesn’t cut it by a long shot and then have him turn to us and say, you need to find your son a school and report back to me in 3 months.

I broke, I can quite honestly say that if we had to leave court on Friday with that as our final ‘verdict’ I was done, well and truly done. Find a school… I have been in contact with the department for months, we have home-schooled, cottage schooled, private schooled and government schooled, both special needs and none and even adding a private tutor into the mix… ok well take him to a neuro pead…. I wanted to scream; we have been to countless doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists, we have had ct scans, blood tests a-z and back again you name it we have done it, we are sitting here because we have tried it all and this is our last resort. Why does everything need to be a fight, why is mental health intervention and help so dam difficult to come by and why does the system have to drive a family to the brink of destruction before they turn around and say hey, I think they may need a bit of help!?

In the end the magistrate signed the order and we have to go through for admission on Wednesday. As a parent I am heartbroken…. This will be the longest period my son has ever stayed away from home, this period includes my birthday, Xmas and new year, on Saturday afternoon I sat on the couch, the house was silent and I had nothing to do, no one and nothing to run around for, the absence of Pokémon lyrics or box fort videos was deafening, I am so used to running around… constantly, that sitting still actually made me feel like I was doing something wrong, the atmosphere and the house seemed so empty and yet I know we need to do this in order to get the help my son needs.

Our family is broken, according to my doctor what we as a family are going through has resulted in PTSD, years of fighting, years of empty promises, years of trying anything and everything in between… if you had to smash a vase put it back together again and then smash it again putting it back together once again with china store cello tape that would be a good depiction of our family at this point.

So we received some good news this week in that my son has officially been placed on the waiting list for urgent placement at a youth care/ therapy facility this although still heart-breaking for me as a mother is at least a step in the right direction for getting the help we so desperately need, these past few weeks have been incredibly stressful and health wise we have all gone down one after another which has been well rather less than fun but we seem to be on the better end of it and we can now only hope that a place becomes available soon.

Something that has been playing on my mind lately is how we as a family as well as those around us struggle to treat or approach a child like our son.

What I mean by that is that my son we have established hit puberty at a very young age around the age of 8/9 so he has pretty much developed physically to the age of a 15 year old and looks older than what he is, this combined with his IQ and his obsessive need to eves drop or include himself into adult conversation means that most people; us included tend to treat him like a 16 year old forgetting in the end that he is in actual fact only 12 and still very much a child.

It’s not that we aren’t aware of course we are and there are very definite moments where you can see his immature/naïve nature pulling through but for the most part it is incredibly difficult to face a child who carries themselves as an older child without forgetting exactly who you are dealing with, this makes discipline and even standard conversation incredibly hard.

Often if we are in a situation with new people who do not actually know who our son is or how old he actually is I find the adults talking to him as if he is a young adult or even an adult and these people are incredibly surprised when I tell them his actual age, it is incredibly difficult when you have a child who is making adult decisions/ choices, who sees themselves as older/ better/wiser (many do but this is a whole other level), who has the intellect to carry an adult conversation although his grandiose beliefs within his own intellect often show that whilst he may have the intellect he doesn’t always use it, I digress but it is incredibly difficult as a parent to know what is right, I mean you don’t want to treat him like a child because of his issues and what he isn’t and is aware of but at the same time he is still a child and even though his hormones and body have developed there are of course certain parts of the brain that do not develop until a certain stage of adolescence or early adult hood which means that even though he walks likes like a duck, talks like a duck and believes he is a duck he isn’t in fact a duck – not yet anyway.

Unfortunately we are in a situation where my son is around adults all day every day and very few children, in fact the only children he really spends time with are his brothers this of course is a result of his behavior and choices but it doesn’t make it any easier.

I am really hoping that this placement will come through soon and that by placing him into a facility where he not only has access to therapy and care within a space and environment that understands him but where he also has the chance to once again socialise in an age appropriate environment will open the doors we need to heal not only for my son but for our family as a whole, I’m not going to lie our family is broken and I cannot remember the last time we just had peace or where our lives were just not utterly consumed by mania, I am literally holding on to that promise of help, the light at the end of what has been an incredibly dark tunnel.

Trauma *Trigger Warning*

*Before I go any further this post is going to center around subject matter that could potentially be triggering to anyone who happens to read it, if you are in any way triggered or sensitive to details and writing surrounding sexual molestation, abuse or misconduct and particularly in relation to a child please do not read any further. This post centers around events that have happened to one of our children and thus has affected both him and our family resulting in many of his behaviors that we see today, I feel it is very important to spread awareness of these factors and issues as I believe that many of us as parents are blind to the red flags and dangers that not only surround us but our children on a daily basis, I am in no way saying anyone is to blame for these events or that they only happen to those who do not make themselves aware that these things DO happen to ALL genders on a DAILY basis but I think more needs to be done to ensure that parents and people in general are aware and vigilant and that we ensure that our children are made of the dangers as well.*

This post may jump around, I know I ramble, I know this post will be long and probably a little jumpy but I just have to get this out while I still have the reserve to do so.

In 2013 I was pregnant with my youngest son and sitting at home on the couch with my hubby when my phone rang, it was my sons aftercare, he was 6 at the time and I was told to come down to the centre immediately and so we did.

We arrived at the aftercare and were ushered into an office with the school principal who proceeded to tell me that all of the aftercare children were playing; alone and unattended in a room, a room where there were no cameras which against what we were promised upon enrollment and again I will underline that this group of children ranging from 6 to what I believed was 10 were left alone for an extended period of time.

After a while a teacher went in and when she did she walked in on a 13 year old after care child (female) laying on the floor in what I will call a compromising position with my son; my 6 year old son.

My heart dropped my stomach lurched but then oh but then the owner proceeded to tell me that my son had done something to this girl, I will say it again- 6 year old who had not the foggiest clue about sex or touching etc, but we were told by the principal that is what the girl said and because our son was male who was she to question what she had said. Something did not sit right with us so when we left I immediately got in contact with a trauma center in our area and set up an appointment for the next day.

We attended the appointment which I informed the aftercare principal about, my son didn’t say much but what he did say contradicted what we had been told, I started messaging the aftercare principal to say that we needed to sit down and discuss the situation when she told me that she had sat down with the girl in question and that she had admitted to asking a few of the younger children to do things to her and that she was being abused at home by a family member- my heart broke into a million pieces, how could I as a mother be angry when this young girl was herself a victim, I asked whether it was going to be reported, I was told yes, I asked whether the parents had been called in, I was again told yes and was eventually told that the parents had opted to seek private counselling and the child was removed from the aftercare but that the principal had reported the situation (she did not).

I do not blame the girl (I do know her name but for obvious reasons won't be using it) at all, in hindsight I wish I had reported the situation myself instead of expecting the principal to do what she was supposed to do and said she would do because I eventually removed both of my children from the aftercare in question after the children were being left alone and without proper care on a regular basis, the owner had started a new relationship and was not available and did not come in on a regular basis. I was called one day by my sons shuttle service as the electronic gate which at the time was broken had fallen on my middle son and the teachers who were there had refused point blank to contact me brushing it off as a minor accident and that I didn’t need to know so the shuttle service had taken it upon themselves to do so. I was also called one day by my exes girlfriend who had gone to collect my 2 sons from my previous marriage to say that she had arrived at the aftercare to only one teacher being present and that she wanted to take my youngest with her as she did not feel it was safe to leave him there, several parents had already removed their children and this was the final straw but again in hindsight I was friends with the principal of the aftercare and allowed that friendship to overshadow all of the red flags and concerns that I had; ie leaving a group of young children unattended in a room for an extended period of time with an older child that none of us aftercare parents were aware of should have been enough of a red flag for me to remove our boys but we didn’t.

The girl was gone and we continued therapy on a regular basis until we were told that they did not feel that the events would have lasting or future effects on my son, if only we knew….

Over the next few years my sons behavior escalated in many ways, he was asked to leave an aftercare for asking 2 boys to show him their private areas, he was also asked to leave another aftercare because he ran into the ladies toilets, we continued therapy, we involved a social worker, we went through each and every step and did everything that we were told to do, privacy within our home became top priority doors always had to be closed even between siblings.

Fast forward a few years, my sons behavior settled out quite well and we had no further issues until he started attending a local tutor center, he was fine in the beginning but at one point we started to notice changes in his behavior and attitude once again, we couldn’t understand why at that point but I will get into what we now know was going on later in this post. This school ended up shutting down and my son(s) then attended a cottage school which was co run by myself and someone who I considered a close friend who had 2 daughters of her own, those girls were like daughters within our home, they stayed over several times a week and I adored them as the girls and daughters I never had and my boys treated them like the sisters they never had, in hindsight we should never have allowed them to stay over but they slept separately in their own beds/ own mattresses downstairs and we thought it would be ok, the mom didn’t have much support or help by way of child care or reprieve so we thought we were doing a good thing by helping her catch a break, until my son developed what I would call an infatuation with on the girls, one night he approached her and kissed her on the cheek, the girl was uncomfortable and we ie my husband and I ended up stopping the sleep overs which we believed would cease any further issues until one afternoon I arrived at the school to fetch my boys, I was inside cleaning up the kitchen when I heard the principal aka my friend screaming at one of the kids, I went outside and she was standing over my son screaming and swearing at him, she had her hands on him as well.

Come to find out that she had allowed her girls to get dressed around the corner in the garden, bare in mind that she was fully aware of my son’s issues and what we were dealing with, she then said that my son had run around to that area and tried to peep at the girls. Now my 2 other boys gave conflicting accounts of what happened and the principal and her girlfriend were both outside but otherwise preoccupied with one another when this happened, I am not saying it didn’t happen I think it did but as to why it happened when there were adults standing outside and in my opinion the girls should never have been allowed or encouraged to change outside I cannot say.  All I know is that a week or so later at 3 or 4 in the afternoon I received an email saying that my son was expelled with immediate effect, no hearing no opportunity to discuss anything, I co ran the school and no one had the decency to have a conversation with me or to at least give me some indication of what had happened, the other governing body members were not even told that proper process had not been followed. The governing body was also not aware that same person who was overseeing the care of their children had on previous occasion hit my son (denied it at first), duct taped my child to chair and not told me when he told her that he wanted to end his life; I have never been so angry!!!!

Before this happened and before I knew  I was already looking at removing my boys from the school, in hindsight my intentions were good but I had no idea how to run a school and in the end the children were not being taught properly, the teachers were not getting paid because the fees were not getting paid and more often than not the aftercare children were left alone in the care of a 15 year old boy until their parents arrived to fetch them which I completely disagreed with, every morning I was late for work because I would open the school and stay until at least one teacher had arrived to take over which was often 8 o clock or later given that the teachers traveled via public transport, I did not feel comfortable and had already broached the subject with several of the teachers, some of whom had approached me as well as the children were not being treated equally.

 After we received the letter my exes wife arrived at the school to find the children once again in the care of a 15 year old and she called the police, it went downhill very fast and was an incredibly ugly situation, I tendered my immediate resignation that evening from the board and removed both my sons- when I told them I was removing both my children I was met with a response of dismay and questioning!!!!!

Now I am going to stop right here for all of you who are at this point screaming at me from behind your screens- my son behaviors and actions have NEVER been excused, accepted or brushed aside and that whilst we have of course sought therapeutic aid and help we have never used what happened to my son as an excuse for or to condone his behaviors or actions in ANY way and he has been disciplined/ reprimanded and punished, not once have we EVER swept something under the rug or been anything but upfront and honest with every single person we have work with, every school, our friends and loved ones. Acting out in or playing it forward in a sexual manner whilst normal ie it is statistically proven to happen does not mean it should be brushed off, accepted or ignored.

We did everything that we were supposed to, we followed the advice of all the specialists who assured us that we were doing everything we could and were supposed to, we asked my son many times whether he was being harmed in any way that we weren’t aware of and we even begged the doctors to do hormonal and genetic testing to see if there wasn’t something that we were missing or something else wrong, what happened to him happened when he was so young and we just couldn’t understand why or how it had affected him to this extent regardless of his autistic traits which according to the doctors made him socially awkward and unable to deal with proper socially acceptable behaviors we always felt there was something missing.

Fast forward to this past month which has been a roller coaster ride to say the least, our psychiatrist sat me down and said that our son had spoken to her about something that happened to him at a previous school, when he first mentioned it she had not said anything due to the fact that he had denied anything happening on any account on numerous occasions and due to the fact that my son has a tendency to lie… and he is good at it. At this point I can honestly say that as a mom I wanted to believe him but having been through so much and with everything that was going on I was skeptical.

However he had mentioned it again 2 weeks ago and begged her not to tell us or to say anything he also refused to give details as to what exactly happened and so our doctor scheduled a physical for last week Thursday which we attended, it was supposed to be a short appointment we ended up leaving after 3 hours.

My son underwent a full on internal and external examination, the doctor was instructed to look for evidence of any signs of abuse as well as for signs of puberty as we have been saying for years now already that my son has hit puberty and every time we were brushed off.

My son did have a private discussion with the doctor and after the examination we were both called in for his results…

He told me that whilst there were absolutely no signs of physical abuse whatsoever an internal examination showed scarring that could not be accounted for by something like constipation or any other medical issue, I was told that the age of the scarring coincided with what our son had told him; that something had happened to him last January after school whilst in the care of a teacher who was later fired (the kids did not know this) for not properly watching the children. Internally I was screaming, externally the tears just ran as my son began to shake and breakdown telling us what little he would about what happened, he then got to a point where he refused to speak any further. 

The doctor also told us that my son was in the very late stages of puberty and that he had probably started puberty at around the age of 8/9, just fyi the accepted normal starting point for puberty today is 9 years old which shocked me beyond comprehension but this was something as I said we had brought up before and it at least gave me some sort of minor consolation knowing that we had been right but knowing that something had happened to our son not once but twice completely broke me.

I am not the person who breaks down easily especially in front of others, I tend to keep everything to myself for the most part and would rather cry silently in the shower or scream profanities towards the car roof whilst driving on my own that allow other people to see that hurt but this absolutely broke me and sitting here I can say that I still haven’t properly processed it, I had to go back to work with my son, I had to carry on as if nothing happened because life goes on and doesn’t stand still.

I have trusted too deeply, I have been naïve and I have ignored so many red flags placed before me, when you place your child into the care of another person you trust that your child will be protected and cared for. I no longer allow girls of any age into our home when my son is home, if I visit a friend with a daughter or girl within the home he does not come with, we hardly go anywhere and if we do go into a public space, one of us constantly has my son under supervision, we will not even attempt to enroll our son in a school, general or otherwise because we have gotten to the point where we are not only not willing to risk his behavior but we also do not trust anybody else’s supervision other than our own, we do not even visit family members where there are girls within the home we are that strict and conscious of our situation and will not allow another situation to happen, we have gone to these extreme lengths to ensure nothing happens to anyone else but it makes me so incredibly angry that we were not given the same courtesy and support and are now paying for it and that other children have had to pay for it.  

Statistically we are not the only ones going through this and this is a very real and definitely not an uncommon subject/ series of events facing children and families in South Africa today. When the woman marched for the protection of woman some time ago I cried for a week; as a woman and as someone who has experienced trauma I wanted to fight as a mom of a child who has been through sexual trauma I also wanted to fight… but as a mom to a child who has reciprocated that trauma I felt ashamed and that I did not have the right to stand with those woman.. We have done everything we could and it still happened,these things happen! 

As parents we need to be aware we need to open our eyes these is happening to children of all ages and genders and cultures and it not acceptable, there is not a day that goes by that I do not question how different our lives would have been and how different my sons life would have been if he had not gone through this.

It is a literal nightmare that I live out every single day of our lives…

When your doctors cannot agree

Over the course of our journey we have seen many… MANY different doctors approached from many different avenues from holistic medicine to conventional treatment methods and everything in between.

One would think that when it comes to diagnosing someone it would be text book simple right I mean there are manuals for these kind of things and everyone is trained in the same way although the course of medicine has of course developed and changed over the years as it stands there are general manuals and guidelines that are supposed to be used by all professionals at the given time of making a diagnosis.

However I have seen the course of a complex case and we have had more than our fair share of internal disagreements between us as parents and the professionals and we have even had professionals disagreeing among ourselves and a literal team of professionals meeting up together and not being able to help us or to come to an agreement of exactly what we are dealing with and where we need to go as far as treatments and therapies are concerned, which begs the question of when do you decide to go against the grain of what you are being told and go with your gut instinct or who do you trust and what do you accept if not even the paid professionals have an answer for you or what you are being told does not match up or help your case.

Over the years I have met many moms who have just stopped attending conventional therapies and treatments and who have chosen to go along with their own thing and quite honestly I cannot blame them; we have had so many people tell us so many different things and we have followed each of them believing that we of course are just general folk who know absolutely nothing about anything, other than what Dr google has to offer and who are we not to agree and go with the flow, there is also that bothersome nagging feeling that whispers in your ear- the what if, what if we choose not to follow and do as we have been told and then something happens or goes wrong or gets worse!?

From personal experience I can tell you that you are your child’s or loved ones biggest advocate and that whilst we may not be trained professionals there is so much knowledge to be gained just by traveling the journey and experiencing what your child or loved one experiences or feels! I find it to be a complete red flag and insult when a doctor or professional is dismissive of the feelings and thoughts of the family and those who are actually living with the person or child involved, no one no matter how much they have studied or how long they have been practicing can replace that.

This is one of the reasons why we wanted an admission for so long and so badly because quite frankly I was so tired of not getting anywhere and spinning the same stories to doctors and having them look at me like I was off my rocker because the child they sat with for an hour once or twice a month was not the child I was telling them about from a home and school perspective, for years we have been saying we are missing something, there must be something more, something isn’t right- and here we sit at the end of the day with an entire team of professionals not knowing what to do because one group of doctors says it is all to do with my sons autism and his OCD and the other doctor is saying it is not autism at all it is conduct disorder and psychopathy, here we are in the middle saying the reason you cannot agree because it isn’t as simple as one or the other, he displays symptoms of both sides of the coin why is it so hard to believe that it could be both or is both- well the answer is because they have never had to deal with this kind of case before and they cannot give us the answers or a direction to follow.

I had known for many years that my son is on the spectrum, reading up about it and watching friends raise their spectrum kids was a complete AHA moment for me, but by the time the doctors brought it up I had all but given up and dismissed my feelings thinking I was seeing things that simply weren’t there because I was told over and over again that it was nothing more than ADHD! It was the initial start of our journey all over again when I just knew in my heart that something was amiss and no one wanted to listen to me and everyone dismissed my concerns until we got to school going age and it couldn’t be denied any more.

The problem is that we now sit in a position where we are just so unsure about what to do and what advice to follow; in my heart and from my experience I agree wholeheartedly with the autism diagnosis, I understand the OCD diagnosis as I myself have OCD I understand the drive and that you just cannot help it, even the conduct disorder and psychopathy diagnosis is something I can understand even though there are so many things that go against that there are just as many things that confirm that diagnosis, I honestly believe that all of this coupled together means that my son is a rare and extremely complicated case that very few professionals have ever dealt with or know how to deal with, most professionals are used to dealing with 1 maybe 2 conditions or conditions that are typically co- morbid but when you are faced with a bunch of conditions that aren’t easily found together I think it is just something that is difficult to both accept and treat, often the usual therapeutic interventions for one ie autism are not what one would use to treat the other ie the psychopathy throw in the high IQ and my sons ability to manipulate a situation and sell ice to an eskimo and no one knows what to do, so who do we trust, what do we do and where do we go because we have been told by the one doctor that they will no longer treat my son if we choose to involve another doctor because they disagree with what that other doctor has to say but if we aren’t getting anywhere what are we supposed to do.

My son is 12 every professional has told us we have until the age of 15 to ‘ground’ his issues or he is basically a lost cause, do they even comprehend how it feels to hear that as a parent when you have done absolutely everything you can and are supposed to have done, every single professional has said they would stand beside us in a court room to argue that we have done everything we can but no one can give us an actual answer or direction or agree on the same thing; we are faced with putting our son into an extended behavioral program where we will have to send him away for 2 years or more, as a parent that is heart shattering, so much happens in 2 years how much are we as a family going to miss- even his 13^th birthday and  I am not even sure this is going to work but as we stand it is literally the only option available to us so what else can we do?

Where too now?

This week has been beyond difficult for us, if you followed my previous post you would have read (briefly) about my sons admission into an inpatient clinic program for 10 days, it has been 2 weeks since he was discharged and it has been a long two weeks to say the least.

We have been trying to figure out where to go from here, currently my son is staying with his father and step mother during the week as she is not working and the remainder of our parenting team does, everyone else we know works and we are not financially able to afford a full time facilitator or carer even if we could find someone who was able to cope with my sons care.

My sons official diagnosis list is as follows; ADHD, ODD, OCD, Anxiety, ASD (Aspergers). Early onset of conduct disorder and psychopathy are the latest as diagnosed by the clinic psychiatrist at the clinic (our Red Cross doctors are not on the same page here); looking at the above I am sure you can imagine that finding someone to look after him knowing all of the above and someone who could actually cope is a tall and near impossible order, my sons behavior(s) do not switch off they are constant from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed, this coupled with the mouth of a teenager and his IQ make looking after him is exceptionally difficult so currently his step mom is the only one who is able to do this during the week and he then comes to us every weekend whilst my middle son who is also my ex and my son stays with us permanently and goes to his dad every second weekend.

Nothing prepares you...

As I young mom I have come a long way from that 18 year old with stars in her eyes, along the way I have met so many different kinds of moms; moms that go into pregnancy starry eyed ready to let nature take its course, moms who go in wanting to be prepared reading up on everything they can get their hands on, moms that go in believing that having a baby will be all sunshine and daisies and those who go in expecting the worse or with more realist expectations.

I for one definitely went in with stars in my eyes but I had a realist for a mother who sure as anything shattered that rose tinted image and made sure that I knew exactly what was coming and that despite her love my son was my choice and my responsibility; she had her turn and she sure as hell was not going to do it again.

Looking back it was probably the best thing she could have done for me as a mother other than telling me to get up asap after my c section and get on with it asap in order to avoid unwarranted pain and long term healing issues and the time that she walked in and I was pumping milk tears in my eyes as the milk ran red with blood; my son was a preemie and I was so desperate to feed him for as long as possible- my mother had never breastfed and when she walked in the sheer look of both horror combined with empathy I honestly thought she was going to tell me to stop trying to breastfeed… but she didn’t she looked at me her exhausted disheveled daughter told me she would be back in 5, went and ran me a bath and stuck cabbage leaves in the freezer then came back took my son told me to go relax in the bath and to take a nap once I was done, that act of love pushed me through what were some very difficult early days with my son.

The Nature vs Nurture Debate

There is a whole debate throughout the forensic science, psychology and general science world surrounding the origins of psychopathy and whether it is a case of nature or nurture or a combination of the two.

As we sat with a social worker yesterday discussing my sons case I remarked on the research I have done thus far over the years and how it cannot simply be a case of nurture because Loghan has been given so much love and support over the years I just cannot agree with the side of it being a result of only nurture.

I do agree that Loghan is a child of divorce who has faced ALOT of rejection and trauma of the years including sexual trauma by an older child, surgery to correct a missed birth defect that resulted in a severely traumatizing (for our entire family) hospital stay and aftercare, he severed his finger in a door which resulted in another surgery, he has had his head slammed into a wall by another child with behavioral issues, he has been locked in a bathroom in the dark by a teacher when at 3 he attended a very prominent day-care in our area (which is still running) because he was too much for the teacher, that same teacher also hit him and denied it but after we removed him we found out he was not the only child who had been hit, he has been picked up off the ground by a teacher and sworn out, that same teacher also duct taped him to a chair and hit him (and denied it only to admit it later), this teacher had every right to be angry and I will get into that another day but it doesn’t help the psyche of someone who is already suffering with a mental illness or is on the spectrum and it most certainly doesn’t make it right, we as parents have lost our temper on occasion as he has gotten older, my son is taller and stronger than I am, when he was younger I would put him in a hug type hold and sit on the ground with him until he calmed down during a meltdown, now that he is getting older and more prone to frustration and violence it isn’t possible for me to do that anymore so yes honestly he has received a smack or two.

Having said all of the above there is not a single thing that we haven’t done for him, he has accessed the best schools in every avenue of schooling, every step of the way no matter what has happened he has gone to the best doctors and been given access to the best therapies available, he has been given all the love and support he could possibly be given and we have seen in the past how the amount of attention he has been afforded has affected his younger (middle) bother who has also been the easier of the two and who has never had an issue socially so often he has been given less attention, not on purpose but because our oldest has just demanded and needed so much more at any given time of his life which is a whole other bundle of mom guilt that I still grapple with on a daily basis even now.

Every single specialist that we have dealt with has told us that we have done everything we possibly can so I just cannot believe it is only a fact of nurture. From the nature point of view I don’t think it is completely nature either, our son was the most incredibly loving baby and child and there are so many times when he can show the greatest empathy for those who have less in life than he does- he will give out his lunch to feed another and he will hold the hand of a sick stranger and comfort them, he has often shown kindness to those who have only shown him judgement and hate… I believe that many behaviors have become his nature or his response to those around him because of what he has been through but as a young child he did display some of the behaviors that have stuck with him today and have formed a part of the base of his diagnosis as it stands today, I believe that through some sort of twisted fate of the gene pool our son ended up with a melting pot of mental health issues coupled with his high IQ as well as his Aspergers and then the rejection, trauma and alike we now have a child who a literal mess of mental health and emotional issues coupled with behavioural disorders that have developed out of a need to survive and fight back, it’s not pretty, its complicated and I wish with all my heart as a mother that I could turn back the clock and change some of the choices, paths we have taken and decisions we made but I cant.

The diagnosis that started it all

My son was almost 5 years old when it became incredibly apparent that we needed to seek further help and advice when it came to his behavior, at this time he was already on every single natural supplement I could get my hands on and we had incorporated a strict routine and a host of activities into his day in order to alleviate the constant need to move we were dealing with so that we could navigate the school day without issue.

Our first port of call was an education psychologist, an incredibly lovely and down to earth woman who Loghan took to like a shot (he has always been more comfortable with and around woman than men).  We arranged for a 2 hour long assessment after our initial meeting and when her report was complete she deduced that our son had an incredibly high IQ, at that stage she would not give us the number only a ball park avenue of where he fell within as she said that given parents the exact numbers often leads to issues whereby too much pressure is placed on the child.  The thing is the number was irrelevant to me I had always known he was clever, she did however point out that his EQ- emotional intelligence (a highly controversial topic that not all doctors believe exists) was significantly lower the problem lying in the gap that lay between and the struggle of the individual to cope with that, Loghan has always gravitated towards adult conversation and adult type topics when it comes to conversations however he is so incredibly immature in so many ways.  Most people tend to look at him and listen to him and they will peg him for an older child his immaturity on a social level does become apparent fairly quickly though and he is then pushed over to the younger children, the problem is because his intelligence is so high and he tends to want to communicate or at least attempt to on an adult level he doesn’t fit in with the younger children either and gets pushed away by them as well. The report also included a suggestion of referral to a psychiatrist or other specialist for a possible ADHD diagnosis.

It started with 2 lines

Funny isn’t it? You look at your child and I can guarantee you that the day you found out you were pregnant (if you are a woman) is a day that remains strong within your memory forever, for some it is a day of happiness, others regret, I remember looking down at those lines and thinking oh shit… we had taken precautions and here I sat pregnancy test no 5 all the rest had been negative but I knew….

I remember after the initial shock that I was excited, scared out of my wits but happy I spent the next 8 months dreaming about my son and who he would be, the wonderful memories we would create, I gave up smoking refused to touch even a wiff of alcohol, as a pescatarian I ate omega enriched fish every single day and took supplements so that my little one would be born as healthy as he possibly could.

It took a while but my parents did come around and for the most part everyone eagerly anticipated the birth of our son- their first grandchild, first nephew, I knew it would be difficult but with family support I knew we would be fine.

At 8 months I stood in my college cafeteria paying for my lunch and then suddenly a stream of water ran down my legs-I was so grateful that I was wearing a long skirt, I ran off to the bathroom and called my mom to ask her what it was like when your water broke (I was 19 and completely oblivious, I had miscarried before but I had never gone through a full pregnancy and birth), I think my mother was out the door and on her way before I even finished my sentence, I waddled upstairs as fast as I could and grabbed a good friend of mine who ran me back downstairs to wait for my mother, she arrived in what felt like minutes and drove like a bat out of hell to the hospital, at that point all I could think about was getting there in one piece and how badly I wanted my lunch (preggo brain). That day I gained a sister as it was the only way the hospital would allow my friend in to see us after my sons birth.

We made it to the hospital in one piece my doctor checked and announced that we were indeed ready to go, they strapped me up to a monitor and wham contractions I didn’t even know I was having despite how strong they were (according to the monitor), I was calm everything was calm and wonderful. A short while later after my ex had rushed through from school (he was in matric) I was wheeled into theater and a short while after that I was shown my son for the first time and how I cried- he was beautiful.

He spent 10 days in the NICU but aside from that he was perfection, how could I know lying awake the night we came home watching him sleep just what our future would really hold and be like.

This beautiful piece of perfection who kept me up with colic for months and would only fall asleep in our arms, this baby who became a precocious toddler and who could speak sentences at a year of age… I didn’t know, I couldn’t know but there have been many times I have run through his pregnancy and birth trying to pin point anything that may or may not have happened as it should but the truth is that aside from his premature and unexpected birth I had a wonderful and perfect pregnancy and his birth was everything I had imagined as far as going smoothly was concerned, I had done everything that I should have, I had sought out the best care at a private hospital and up until my son’s birth I was in a stable and loving relationship. For a long time I questioned why when I had done everything right could things have gone so much off the path, it has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that whether I had done everything right or not anything can happen and we cannot predict what the future will hold, I was reminded by a loved one that when asked whether we wanted testing done for down syndrome and such whilst I was pregnant we refused, my reasoning being that even if my baby was going to be born with down syndrome or any kind of disability it would not affect my decision to carry, give birth to him and raise him I realized once that was said that my choice would have remained the same even knowing what I know now and even if testing had been down and shown an issue, I do not and will never regret my son or having him, from a honesty stand point is this what I envisioned? No. Is this what I wanted, expected or prepared for? HELL NO. Does it affect my love for my child? Again the answer is NO.

Where do I start... an introduction to this space

This blog centers on my eldest son and our journey through the madness that has become our parenting journey with him.  I realized a long time ago that support and resources for children with special needs, mental illness and a combination of both is almost non-existent in so many ways, the resources and help made available is either incredibly expensive (private sector) or requires long waiting lists and very little by way of finding a doctor/specialist whom you and your child can trust and depend on (government), in the end you are not guaranteed the help you or your child may need and most of the time there is absolutely no support or guidance.

Up until now we have navigated much of our journey alone, we have struggled severely to find the help that we have needed and thus have felt like we must be the only family dealing with these issues, this is not the case, I know this is not the case but where are these voices, where are these people? Where are these families, these children? The truth is that I think more often than not we all feel like we are in it alone, many of us are embarrassed, shunned, led to believe that we have no right to services, resources, help or support and quite frankly I have had enough!

I don’t want to stay quiet anymore, I refuse to allow other families and children to feel the way we do. For a period of time last year I helped run a special needs school and that experience was both the most heart-breaking and enlightening experience of my life, at that point I knew in my heart that I wanted to be a voice for others, that I wanted to do more and create a platform for those who feel alone in a path not so unlike our own, I have seen and supported families who are broken, families with nowhere to turn families who are desperate for answers and although we have finally reached a point in our journey where we have- answers as devastating as they may be, I know in my heart that our journey, our pain and our triumphs are meant for more than just our own insight and awareness.

I have met many incredible people, children and families along our journey and my hope is that I can do them justice in being a voice for those who have been silent in this regard, if I can help even one person navigate their journey or lend them the support that they deserve then I will have served my hearts purpose.

I invite you to follow us as we navigate this journey, I invite to share your experiences or to just seek comfort in the fact that you are not alone, help me be the voice where there is silence.