2020

I classify as 2019 as a real shit show of a year, one I was more than happy to leave behind.

To have the hope that we were finally receiving the attention and help that we needed was an incredible feeling only to have that ripped away which was incredibly devastating.

The only upside of the situation was that we all got to spend Xmas together as a family, not having Loghan there was something I was really struggling with even more so as time when on and I was struggling to get through to the centre where he was and he was starting to verbalize his fears, I had nightmares of arriving at the centre and finding him gone or receiving a phone call that something terrible had happened or that he had done something to himself in order to get out and at the end of it all at that stage our hands were tied we were told when we went to court that procuring a court order meant that he was there until the end of the program full stop and that only another court order could have him released, given that it was December and all the social workers etc had gone on leave I was quite honestly sick with horror.

The day that we went to fetch him - court order in hand my heart fell to pieces when one of my younger sons asked why they needed to be dropped off at a colleague of mine, when I told him that we were going to fetch his brother and why (he had already witnessed how he looked during our visit 2 days prior), his remark shook me to the core when he said; well why did you put him there then?

Why? We trusted the people who ran the centre and the people who put him there we believed that we were finally getting help and that we were doing what was best for our son, we believed them when they said no cameras were allowed for the safety of the children and on and on it goes. As a parent we are supposed to protect our children and to feel that you were not able to and that you willingly sent your child into the situation that saw him hurt is just shattering.

But here we sit in 2020, a new year, a new decade so where to from here?

They have opened an investigation into the treatment my son and other children are enduring/ have endured at the centre and into the practices themselves, we have also lodged a case on a personal level against the centre; I spent the days leading up to Xmas in and out between the police station and Red Cross, my son had to have another HIV test done as well as a full body examination which isn’t exactly the nicest thing for anyone to endure.

We have been advised not to start home-schooling in the interim of looking at schooling options as we are once again on the waiting list for a facility although this time you can count on me doing a full run around and investigation before we get there, I don’t care who I need to deal with or where I need to find the information but I will.

At this point in time all of the social workers and most of the departments are still closed so we can do nothing but wait which is incredibly frustrating, this is supposed to be our sons senior year of primary school and we are not sure whether he is going to end up schooling at all this year which is fine if we are actually going to get the help but to sit and wait and not be sure and to be forced to place my son into the care of someone I don’t want to during the day so he will at least have someone watching him.

All I want for this year is my youngest to enjoy his first year of school with his older brother by his side and to get the help we need for my eldest so that we can start moving forward, put plans in place, start working on a management plan and start healing as a family.

I think I am over the anger, I was at one point feeling just so extremely angry and despondent; I think aside from the above the anger stemmed from all of the apologies from professionals, doctors etc- we are sorry the system failed you, we are sorry this has happened… I believe them I do but it does often feel like it’s a pass the buck it wasn’t my fault moment which probably isn’t fair but feels are feels right, we cannot help the way we feel and we are only human- it is what we do with that anger that counts.

Dealing with my anger means ensuring that the centre where Loghan was staying is investigated and that proper people and processes are put in place to ensure that the children there are kept safe and that they actually get help and that their best interests are what is taken to heart.

Dealing with my anger means launching a case that will not only see to it that the people who are responsible for those children and were responsible for my son are held accountable but will bring awareness to the fact that we are not the only family and this is not the only centre, the mental health system and the facilities and resources available are few and far between and grossly sub-par, children are being left behind, families are being torn apart and I refuse to accept this.

Dealing with my anger means being my sons advocate and making sure that this year we get the help we need.

There are so many days where I just feel like a sick joke but I cannot and will not give up.