Did we make a mistake?

I knew when we accepted placement at the program that Loghan has gone into that it was going to be rough, I knew that the children being accepted into this program came from all walks of life, different dynamics some with families and some without, different cultures etc, I knew all of that but going in we were told that the kids would be well supervised and well looked after and that a strict behavioral regime was followed at all times.

I have spoken to Loghan every second day since he was admitted, the day he was admitted was bad Loghan was angry, he wanted out and there was absolutely nothing we could do even if we wanted to, 2 days later I was surprised to find that he sounded much more comfortable a lot more optimistic, 2 days after that he sounded both despondent and scared; I encouraged him, consoled him and got off the phone with an incredibly heavy heart. I told myself that it would be ok that we needed to see this through, it’s not like we have a choice anyway but 2 days after that ie Tuesday of this week after an hour of trying to get through which a regular occurrence the child that took my call i.e. my son was despondent, teary and absolutely miserable after some reluctant prying he told me what has been going on…. I ended up scrambling to find out who he internal social worker is… they are on leave until January and then calling the manager of the group who is not answering my emails or phone calls.

I am frustrated, I am anxious and I am honestly sitting her wondering if we actually made the right decision or if my child is going to come out of this program worse off than he went in.

It has been a while since I last posted, a lot has happened…

My son was finally accepted into a program, it took a lot of nagging, a lot of following up and running after people, a lot of pushing our family to breaking point but we finally got the email last week and then we had to attend court on Friday because a government program requires a court order for placement.

We sat at the children’s court and in town for hours on Friday so as not to be late for our appointment only to go into the magistrates chambers and have him go through the 2 page summary of what we are dealing with which doesn’t cut it by a long shot and then have him turn to us and say, you need to find your son a school and report back to me in 3 months.

I broke, I can quite honestly say that if we had to leave court on Friday with that as our final ‘verdict’ I was done, well and truly done. Find a school… I have been in contact with the department for months, we have home-schooled, cottage schooled, private schooled and government schooled, both special needs and none and even adding a private tutor into the mix… ok well take him to a neuro pead…. I wanted to scream; we have been to countless doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists, we have had ct scans, blood tests a-z and back again you name it we have done it, we are sitting here because we have tried it all and this is our last resort. Why does everything need to be a fight, why is mental health intervention and help so dam difficult to come by and why does the system have to drive a family to the brink of destruction before they turn around and say hey, I think they may need a bit of help!?

In the end the magistrate signed the order and we have to go through for admission on Wednesday. As a parent I am heartbroken…. This will be the longest period my son has ever stayed away from home, this period includes my birthday, Xmas and new year, on Saturday afternoon I sat on the couch, the house was silent and I had nothing to do, no one and nothing to run around for, the absence of Pokémon lyrics or box fort videos was deafening, I am so used to running around… constantly, that sitting still actually made me feel like I was doing something wrong, the atmosphere and the house seemed so empty and yet I know we need to do this in order to get the help my son needs.

Our family is broken, according to my doctor what we as a family are going through has resulted in PTSD, years of fighting, years of empty promises, years of trying anything and everything in between… if you had to smash a vase put it back together again and then smash it again putting it back together once again with china store cello tape that would be a good depiction of our family at this point.