It started with 2 lines

Funny isn’t it? You look at your child and I can guarantee you that the day you found out you were pregnant (if you are a woman) is a day that remains strong within your memory forever, for some it is a day of happiness, others regret, I remember looking down at those lines and thinking oh shit… we had taken precautions and here I sat pregnancy test no 5 all the rest had been negative but I knew….

I remember after the initial shock that I was excited, scared out of my wits but happy I spent the next 8 months dreaming about my son and who he would be, the wonderful memories we would create, I gave up smoking refused to touch even a wiff of alcohol, as a pescatarian I ate omega enriched fish every single day and took supplements so that my little one would be born as healthy as he possibly could.

It took a while but my parents did come around and for the most part everyone eagerly anticipated the birth of our son- their first grandchild, first nephew, I knew it would be difficult but with family support I knew we would be fine.

At 8 months I stood in my college cafeteria paying for my lunch and then suddenly a stream of water ran down my legs-I was so grateful that I was wearing a long skirt, I ran off to the bathroom and called my mom to ask her what it was like when your water broke (I was 19 and completely oblivious, I had miscarried before but I had never gone through a full pregnancy and birth), I think my mother was out the door and on her way before I even finished my sentence, I waddled upstairs as fast as I could and grabbed a good friend of mine who ran me back downstairs to wait for my mother, she arrived in what felt like minutes and drove like a bat out of hell to the hospital, at that point all I could think about was getting there in one piece and how badly I wanted my lunch (preggo brain). That day I gained a sister as it was the only way the hospital would allow my friend in to see us after my sons birth.

We made it to the hospital in one piece my doctor checked and announced that we were indeed ready to go, they strapped me up to a monitor and wham contractions I didn’t even know I was having despite how strong they were (according to the monitor), I was calm everything was calm and wonderful. A short while later after my ex had rushed through from school (he was in matric) I was wheeled into theater and a short while after that I was shown my son for the first time and how I cried- he was beautiful.

He spent 10 days in the NICU but aside from that he was perfection, how could I know lying awake the night we came home watching him sleep just what our future would really hold and be like.

This beautiful piece of perfection who kept me up with colic for months and would only fall asleep in our arms, this baby who became a precocious toddler and who could speak sentences at a year of age… I didn’t know, I couldn’t know but there have been many times I have run through his pregnancy and birth trying to pin point anything that may or may not have happened as it should but the truth is that aside from his premature and unexpected birth I had a wonderful and perfect pregnancy and his birth was everything I had imagined as far as going smoothly was concerned, I had done everything that I should have, I had sought out the best care at a private hospital and up until my son’s birth I was in a stable and loving relationship. For a long time I questioned why when I had done everything right could things have gone so much off the path, it has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that whether I had done everything right or not anything can happen and we cannot predict what the future will hold, I was reminded by a loved one that when asked whether we wanted testing done for down syndrome and such whilst I was pregnant we refused, my reasoning being that even if my baby was going to be born with down syndrome or any kind of disability it would not affect my decision to carry, give birth to him and raise him I realized once that was said that my choice would have remained the same even knowing what I know now and even if testing had been down and shown an issue, I do not and will never regret my son or having him, from a honesty stand point is this what I envisioned? No. Is this what I wanted, expected or prepared for? HELL NO. Does it affect my love for my child? Again the answer is NO.