Difficult choices

Before I get into this post I want to preface this by saying that if you have a child whether they have special needs, behavioral problems or atypical, no parent is perfect no one has all the answers and as much as I have come across a fair amount of parental practices and ways that I would personally not implement with my own children, every family, every parent and child dynamic and relationship is different and no one can tell you that your decisions or choices are wrong just because they aren’t the same as they would have done (this goes without saying but this obviously excludes any behavior that could be or would be constituted as abusive or neglectful).

We have struggled over the years to find the help we needed, I remember with great irony how one person told me that they had screwed us over to put it mildly because they felt that this would push the situation to gain the help we needed, it didn’t and hasn’t (no surprise there), there just aren’t resources or facilities that are able to cope, properly manage and treat Loghan’s case to the point where a group of almost if not more than 30 of the best doctors within the psychiatric and linked fields could not provide us with a solution or treatment plan they felt could work.

With Loghan there are periods of calm, periods of joy, times where you almost forget that he is as some would put it different, to be fair we have raised him and therefore his traits and behaviors are our normal. Like so many other families with special needs children we have learned to read behaviors and silent languages, to pre-empt melt downs and to handle social situations in a way that not all parents or people will understand.

I have apologised to many a person, friend, neighbor, teacher, classmate and/ or family member and often times I feel that without explanation people may feel or think things that just aren’t true, as Loghan has gotten older his meltdowns when confronted about certain behaviors have become more physical and violent, I have spoken to other parents in the same situation and unless you are in the situation or have first-hand witnessed or been through it with your own child, friend or loved one I cannot begin to explain the fear and anxiety that I have as my child heads towards adulthood, these situations/incidents do not happen often but when they do they are incredibly hard to manage and the solution from all involved including his doctors and social worker has been to recommend that we call the police.

Up until recently this is a solution I have absolutely refused as I have had enough of an experience with government institutions and such that the thought of putting my child and our family into a situation that the police officer may not fully and probably will not be able to understand is incredibly daunting, the thought of phoning the police on my own child is also something that has scared me beyond any level.

However that changed this weekend when my son became violent and my husband did end up calling the police to request assistance, by the time they arrived the situation had calmed down but the officers who were sent were great and they handled the situation very well, speaking to my son before they left and explaining the consequences of his behavior and future implications should they need to return for the same issue, they checked whether we had a social worker and whether my son was receiving treatment after we stated that he did have both mental health and behavioral disorders, they went beyond the scope of the faith that I had instilled in them and I am incredibly grateful for their assistance even if the situation had died down when they arrived, I do believe that they have by being a physical presence given my son a visual representation of the consequences of his actions, one that he now understands and that by us taking this step he has realised that we are not going to accept his behavior and any sort of physical assault against any persons that he comes into contact with.

I am sharing this because I do feel that as parents this is a step that will be frowned upon by many people or that may be seen as over the top or misunderstood, I do not regret my husband’s decision to call them and if I had to relive this situation I do not believe that it could have played out any differently.

As a parent I have physically, mentally and emotionally reached a point where I cannot rely on whether other parents think that a decision we have made is right or not, we can only do what we feel is best at the time given the situation at hand, I urge you if you are a parent struggling with the judgement of others it isn’t about them it is about you and your child and your family and only you can make that call and choices, to gain another’s wisdom/ experience and opinion is great when it is someone’s whose thoughts and opinions you value or when those suggestions or thoughts some from professionals but at the end of the day I do feel that as parents we fear the judgement of others and that we need to reach the understanding that at the end of the day unless someone is walking in your shoes they do not know.

I do not know what lies ahead but I know that we will fight and carry on until we find a treatment plan, until we gain ground and progress as hard as it may be.

Where to go from here...

 

There are plenty of books to read but very few people (if any) will tell you that raising a teenager is a walk in the park, well raising a special needs teen comes with its own list of new behaviors and often turbulent behavior; the hormones and changes combined with a lack of self-realisation and lack of social skills can be incredibly trying and difficult to understand and handle.

If you ask my own mother she would be quick to tell you that I was more than a handful during my teen years; I bunked almost a full school year, I smoke and drank among other things from the age of 15, it was only many years later just before my 30^th birthday actually that my mom and I got into an argument and after telling me what a terrible child I was during these years I got up the courage to finally tell her why i.e. I fell pregnant at the age of 15 and miscarried at the end of my first trimester on my own and couldn’t or didn’t feel like I could tell anyone, I was depressed, I self-harmed in other words there were reasons behind my behaviors, never the less I agree I was an incredibly difficult child at that stage.

So when it comes to my own children I honestly believed that I would be ok, I knew all the tricks, I had gone through my own shit so I had this in the bag; bring it on….

Then good ol Murphy, oh he loves me I have to tell you, he loves to give me a swift kick up the patootie whenever I get smug about motherhood in any shape or form and thus of course my own experience so far with my now 13 year old has run me for a 6 and back again 10 times over.

It has been a tough year all around but the most trying part of this year has been dealing with my eldest and my husband’s relationship and the fact that it has all but gone up in a flaming rage of teenage angst and Afrikaans stubbornness- neither will budge, neither wants to know how the other one feels or their reasoning’s behind each other’s behaviors they just cannot deal with each other right now, this is incredibly difficult; as a mother my child comes first and as a wife I want to stand with my husband. 

I understand that Loghan’s behavior and overall attitude many a time can come across as disrespectful and rude- I would say that 70% of the time it isn’t intentional but that other 30% is a rather large portion and it has driven a wedge into our home life that has become incredibly difficult to deal with, this combined with the fact that he is taller and as large or larger than both my hubby and myself means that if he says no or just refuses to do something, trying to force it leads to physical fighting, in a household with 2 other children this can be terrifying and heart-breaking and more than once it has pushed my hubby and I to the point of considered separation because we just don’t know what to do and the specialists don’t either.

There just aren’t any resources available, no places to turn to, it has been an incredibly trying and difficult time for our family and I have found more than a few other families who in some shape or form are going through the same thing.

I guess that it is just beyond my comprehension after all these years and all of the different special needs kids and families that I have met that the mental and special needs resources/ programs and specialists are so expensive, hard to come by, few and far between or incredibly inadequate for the scope of special needs families/ children and people that need help and answers; I have file upon file of research, I have file upon file of reports and recommendations, lists of different therapies and medications we have tried and people we have gone to and at the end of it all not one of these people can give us an answer or provide us with a way forward or a solution and that is incredibly scary especially when you think of the many other people and families are out there in need of help.

I wish I had the answers for all the research and time exhausted I feel like I have nothing and have gotten nowhere, every 2 steps forward can be 10 steps back next week and it can be easy as an outsider to say well it is just one person but at the end of the day it isn’t; the targeted anger has shifted over the years.  That aside when your child is home-schooled (not by choice) and doesn’t have friends and cannot go out into the world to socialise with kids his own age showing anger towards one person in this way is enough!

In 5 years’ time my son will be 18 and I can no longer keep him at home- I cannot make sure that he doesn’t hurt someone or doesn’t get hurt because he doesn’t understand or does something stupid or ensure that he doesn’t get fired for being purposely or even un purposefully rude or inappropriate towards a boss or co-worker or anyone for that matter.

 

At the end of the day I sometimes sit down and ask myself why I am I doing any of this at all if it doesn’t help, if it isn’t getting us anywhere or changing anything and if at the end of the day all we get told is we don’t know or call the police, if we did try explaining to an officer why they are there and that you had to physically restrain a 13 year old, we have doctors and social workers, an entire team but will any of them be there when we need to explain this and with our other children at home what guarantee do I have to that the officer wont misconstrue what has happened and arrest us as parents or remove my other children because they don’t understand, I mean what do you do when your child pulls a cupboard door off its hinges or pushes you into a wall, when they are at risk of hurting themselves and/or those around them- these are the thoughts I am faced with each and every time we have a meltdown or a behavioral issue.

I do not believe in physical punishment for a child I have hardly ever in my journey as a mother raised my hands to even give my kiddos a hiding on the bum or hand, I can raise my voice or reprimand and I have smacked a wooden spoon on the counter on my worst day but I do not believe that physical discipline does anything more than cause your child to fear you and I do not believe that our children should fear us as their parents/ caregivers. My kids may think I am unfair and may not like me at times when I remove technology and privileges such as tv and computer time or if they get sent to their rooms to cool down but I can live with that what I struggle with is trying to keep my family from falling apart because there are no answers for how to handle the situations we are dealing with in a helpful way.

I am honestly just not sure where to go to from here or where we will be in a month or 6, just have to keep on searching and trying I guess.